"Doing it All" (A Un-Monday Mommy Rant)

Lately I can't help but feel a little sad for my humble blog. It isn't that I've lost my passion for sharing our crafty do's or an on-trend handbag for that matter, the lack of postings comes down to two simple things, exhaustion and time. So when late at night I find myself wishing I could keep my eyes open for long enough to think of something witty or at the very least relevant to share, I can't help but wonder how do other women do it?? Sure there was a time I had hours in the day to devote to surfing the web, discovering the latest and the greatest, planning a new craft to do with my children for every day of the week and being all around on top of it all and fabulous. Looking back I question whether I was on speed without perhaps being aware of it at all. There is something about having that third baby that really gives everything a sudden urgency and Mothers (at least for me) a profound knack for never quite being able to finish one task in it's entirety. So too often lately I find myself filling out school pizza forms at 11:30pm and wondering where the day went so quickly. Three is a small entourage really and if you count most women's husbands, mine included, you can bump the number of needy whiners tugging at the hem of your dress and the edges of your sanity to four. Don't get me wrong I love my family but sometimes when I step back and look at the big picture of what is going on in any one pinpointed moment of the day I'm surprised not to hear the piping in of circus music. I am the ringmaster, sort of, and this home on any given day rivals the theatrics of any three ring circus. So on top of the diaper changes, the meals to be prepared, the fights to be broken up, the dirty laundry to be scrubbed and washed, the booboos to be kissed, the bottles to be fed and then boiled clean, the stories to be read, the lessons to be taught again and again....how is a modern day Mom to manage "doing it all."

Doing it "ALL" is not realistic yet most women I speak with hold themselves to these impossible standards, myself included. Well "so-and-so" manages to keep an immaculate home, head the student council, run a home business and lead an active and fulfilling social life so why can't I?? Let me tell you something, I'm as likely to believe that story as if you were to tell me that her farts smell of cotton candy.  I have been dubbed by those who have clearly not stepped into my house as of late, a "super Mom." While a cape would perhaps give me a little more authority with the 4-8 year old demographic, a super hero I am not. What I am though is a busy Mom who has learned that a stack of dishes can wait because building a fort with my growing children and having a Spongebob marathon is more important. That sometimes dinner will consist of a poptart in the backseat of our car next to a screaming baby because we have back to back dance classes that night. That cuddling with a baby on a quiet afternoon when your two older children are in school beats tackling a weeks worth of laundry any day. That prioritizing sometimes means just having a damn nap. Yes there are days where I somehow find the time to bake a loaf of fresh bread or a pie or give myself a pedicure or arrange a sitter to have a girls lunch out but that's because I have decided to let something else go to do something I felt like doing instead. There is no such thing as "doing it all" I have discovered and though at times this brings me a lot of anxiety it is something I am learning to accept. Our children are only young once so I say we cast off the heavy expectations we have for ourselves, take things one crisis at a time and live for the happy in it all. Hug your babies. Plan and enjoy date nights with your partner. Make "Mommy time" a priority in your schedule.  So please dear readers bare with me as I adapt to juggling a growing family, a home business, a child with autism, nurturing my marriage, building a social life and managing a household...while blogging. Maybe I should pull that cape out after all.

Those Little Lazy Things (A Monday Mommy Rant)

Pet Peeves. We all have them. If you're anything like me you have a LOT of them. Little nagging things that grate on your nerves and get under your skin. Now even though I don't have enough fingers to count the little things that make my eyes roll so far back in my head I look blind, there is one thing that drives me more crazy than the rest put together - totally unjustified acts of slobbish laziness. I read somewhere once that if stay at home Moms were paid an annual salary it would easily total more than 6 figures a year. I concur. Still waiting to see that paycheck I might mention. Why the big bucks?? Because us Moms are not only on call 24 hours a day, our job is never done. There is always a meal to prepare, a mess to clean, a lesson to teach, a booboo to be kissed better, a pair of dueling children to separate, a load of laundry to be washed and folded, a list of errands to be run, bills to be paid, kids to be bathed....I could go on. So amongst my busy day when I notice a small act of unnecessary laziness I can't help but want to pull my hair out and run screaming for the door. Instead I sigh and once again roll my eyes to the heavens. Feel my pain?? Here are a few that I come across most often in my home -

1. Where is that movie...?? It's not in it's case...but another one is..along with 2 others that do not belong. It's not in the pile of dvds stacked upside down and rightside up next to the dvd player and on top of the wall unit. On second thought why the %$&# are none of these damn things in the cases to which they belong?? Who keeps doing this?! If you ask my husband he says it must be his Mother. If you ask her she doesn't use the thing at all because she doesn't understand how our system is all put together. My 7 year old sure isn't the one doing it. So apparently we have a hoard of dvd swapping gnomes living somewhere hidden in our home. Maybe they're bunking with the ones that keep hanging the toilet paper roll the wrong way and leave trails of mystery crumbs on my kitchen counter every morning. It's about time I declare war on these suckas.

2. Man socks. Oh man socks. How is it that I constantly find crumpled balls of stinky man socks ALL over my house on a regular basis. Every time I turn around there they are. All crunchy and stanky and abandoned like some sort of a shed skin. How many pairs of socks a day is my husband wearing?? All of these cannot possibly be his. Frankly I am growing a little concerned. Between you and I am strongly considering staging an intervention.

3. Itty bitty teeny weeny little...bits of toilet paper?? What is this?? It's almost like stumbling upon a trail of bread crumbs but it leads nowhere exciting at all. A dusty corner. A pocket under the stairs. They don't seem dirty at all. Not like someone has used them to blow their nose or anything of that nature. This always leaves me feeling kerfuffled. I never see anyone actually do this. Yet the very next day there they are again. One of my children is surely an evil mastermind because this daily ritual is driving me round the bend. At least they are more than happy to yield a broom and dustpan when asked of them. Yup - we're in this together.

4. So close. But not quite. The laundry hamper is only a foot away and yet the clothes only made it just that far. Why? Why? WHY? I even went as far as to provide each of my children with their very own laundry hamper that they keep in their very own bedrooms. And yet. There must be something about placing soiled clothing directly inside of a laundry hamper that chills both husbands and children alike to the bone. Is it an act of superstition?? Perhaps the hamper itself is haunted?? All I know is it's lucky this crew has a handy Momma like me around otherwise I'm unsure their underpants would see a spin cycle again any time soon.

5. Who doesn't love the smell of mildew in the morning?? There is nothing quite like finally carving out 5 minutes to have a hot shower, closing the door to the bathroom and finding a heap of wet towels on the floor knee height deep. Where? What? How? Usually this pile is directly next to what I've been told is a fully functional towel rack.No amount of swearing and pacing the bathroom is going to make the pile disappear - trust me, Ive tried.  I guess that shower will have to wait until tomorrow....it's time to toss in yet another load of laundry.

Now that I've gotten that off of my chest I need to know - what little things do you find around your home that drive you absolutely crazy?? If you need a good de-stresser I can recommend a fabulous Chardonnay. Cheers!!

Somebody Call a Whaaaa-mbulance. Waging War on Whiners. (A Monday Mommy Rant)

We all do it. Whining that is. It really is just second nature to make small talk complaining about the weather or traffic or a sleepless night. Nobody minds the occasional whine when it's light hearted and harmless and especially when it's mutually empathized. But we've all come into contact with one of those people that takes complaining on as a full time hobby. For some it's a life style. A negative state of mind can be like a disease and unfortunately for the rest of us it can also be contagious. So I am waging full out war on this crime against humanity and calling out the whiners, the naysayers and the negative nancies here and now. But please don't call me out on the obvious - I am whining about whiners. I'm taking one for the team.

Winners aren't whiners. The happiest people around will gladly tell you the secret to their success and fulfilling lives. They don't waste their precious lives thinking about the things they cannot change. The happy folks instead focus on what they DO have and what they CAN change. The more one whines the more they are focusing on the things in their lives that are making them miserable - therefore without even realizing it they are attracting more of those negative feelings and experiences into their lives. I can tell you one thing I know for sure - positive minded peeps run a mile from negative whiny whiners. Somebody call whine-1-1!!

Got an urge to purge some whining?? Save it for your fave gal pal, your spouse or take your aggression out at the gym. Punching bags make great listeners. We all need to vent once in a while but these are a few of the situations in which you should really spare us and yourself from circling the negative brain drain -

1. Your Facebook Status. Passive aggressive status updates are NOT cute. Neither is posting "FML!!" and then telling people not to ask when they inquire as to if you are alright. Nothing screams drama queen or "please pay attention to me!!" quite the same way as a whiny status on Facebook about how hard your life is right now. The odd genuine and honest update about a difficult life challenge is not what I am talking about here. We all reach out for support when we need it. It's the repeated, day after day, whiners and complainers we have to read about every morning on our newsfeed that I've got a gripe with. Let's keep our screens clean - if you find yourself typing a hateful or needy status update please do us all a favor and logout first.Otherwise my itchy finger is going to be hitting that delete friend button.

2. On a Night Out. Nothing annoys me more than getting all dolled up for a night on the town to then arrive and have one person in the group treat this as an opportunity to dump on everyone there. No matter how tired you are feeling, how sick you may feel, how much drama you have going on at work, a night out is not the time to bring any of this up. As parents we rarely get to enjoy the luxury of heading out without our children to enjoy the company of other grown ups. The last thing we want to hear is someone complaining. If you aren't feeling it - stay home. Otherwise bite your tongue and sip your martini until you're as happy as the rest of us are to be out of the house!!

3. First Impressions DO Count!! The WORST time to get your whine on is when you are meeting somebody, anybody for that matter, for the first time. Do you really want to be remembered for your snarky commentary or the bad day you couldn't shake?? I didn't think so. My friends husband has the unfortunate nickname of "that tired guy" all because the first time he was introduced on a night out all he did was complain about how exhausted he was....repeatedly.

4. Bad Timing. Your girlfriend is devastated because she is going through a divorce. When she is sobbing on the other end of the telephone is NOT the time to complain about how insensitive your husband can be or how you cannot believe you were passed for that promotion. If someone near and dear to you is going though a tough time save your own minor personal troubles for later. How would you feel if you truly needed some support and your friend wouldn't stop nattering on about her inlaws. The same law of sensitivity goes for smaller situations as well. Say your friend just had a baby and is having a horrible time losing the weight -  standing there in your size twos and calling yourself a heffer is probably not going to help her self esteem. In short think before you open your mouth.

5. In Front of our Children. I'm guilty of this one from time to time. Throw the book at me!! One thing that is important to remember is that we are providing a living and breathing example to our children each and every day. The types of things we complain about most often can help our children form similar opinions and habits of their own. Keeping things positive helps build self esteem and coping techniques for those times when things get tough. We wouldn't want our children to walk around with a "life sucks" attitude so perhaps we should all take that into consideration when we find ourselves about to climb aboard the whaaa-mbulance.

The School Parking Lot. Or As I Like To Call It - Hell. (A Monday Mommy Rant)

Every weekday around 3pm I find myself cringing. It's like I have some kind of an internal alarm clock that can premeditate despair. What is it about this time of day that has me writhing in discomfort?? It's at this time that I load up my little ones and head off to what I am sure is the worst place that exists this side of hell. I refer of course to the elementary school parking lot. If teething and pre-schooler temper tantrums weren't already driving me to drink this place would be reason enough to hit the bottle (relax I'm being sarcastic). Have you ever seen footage of the running of the the bulls that takes place annually in the streets of Spain??  People running every which way, screaming, being trampled?? The school parking lot is comparable to this but with soccer Moms which instantly makes it that much worse. I have heard of schools that closely monitor their parking lots close to the ringing of that final bell - I call urban myth on that one. I have yet to see a single staff member near my child's school parking lot but I can tell you what I have seen a lot of - inconsiderate jerk offs that are begging for a friendly chair to the face.

Ok I have a wee bit of rage when it comes to this issue.

Here's why.

My 7 year old, who I pick up daily from this place I would rather not speak of, has autism spectrum disorder. Understanding my childs sensitivities to overwhelming stimuli (ie-final bell chaos) my son's very cooperative and kind-hearted teacher worked out an arrangement with me to pick up my child from school 10 minutes early. So every day I load a 4 month old and a 3 year old into the car during what is usually nap time and make the drive to the school in sun, rain or snow to pick up my oldest and bring him back home. Finding a parking space, easy - I'm there 20 minutes before the bell rings. Actually being able to get out of that parking space and LEAVE the school - not so much. By the time I have made it back to my car and loaded all 3 of my children back into my vehicle one of 2 things happens. 1 - Someone has parked their car in the fire route along the curb behind my parking spot completely blocking me in and making it impossible to back out from my parking space. Or 2 - Someone will pull into the space behind me just as I am loading my kids in to leave or am partway through backing out of said space. I like to believe there is a special place in hell reserved for these people. In my head my reaction to this scenario would involve either repeatedly smashing the back end of my car into the side of their vehicle or taking a key to the side of their yuppy, fresh paint job. In reality there is not a lot I can do but sit there and stew while my baby screams in the backseat and the bell rings...up to 10 minutes later.

Now I understand that we are all in a big, important hurry and some of us actually have legitimate reasons to want to park closer to the front entrance of the school. Let's face it though...the majority of the offenders are simply lazy and cannot bare the thought of walking across the street after failing to arrive in time to score an actual parking space. So I beg of you this - before you park your vehicle near your childs school tomorrow, or the next day, first ask yourself if what you are doing would classify you as a douchebag. In all seriousness you could not only be inconveniencing another busy parent but could possibly be to blame for a parking lot fender bender or the injury of someones child. Is all of this worth saving yourself from a 45 second stroll?? All of us are at that school for the same reason. We love our children and we want them to come home safely. In a perfect world we would all work together and take the inconveniencing of another family in our community into consideration. In the very least if you absolutely "have to" park in the fire route at least have the courtesy to scoot out of the way to allow those picking children up early an opportunity to leave safely.

And lastly to the considerate gentleman that pulled up behind me in his taxi as I was backing out today, refused to move and then thought it necessary to yell and cuss at me after I phoned his dispatcher - I have a chair with your name on it.

So Snooki Is Pregnant - Monday Mommy Rant

Ok, so everybody out there seems to be aware of the latest reality tv word on the street - Snooki, everyone's favorite (or maybe not-so-favorite) party girl on the Jersey Shore, is pregnant. Snooki is going to be a Mom!! Just as everyone is now becoming aware of this news everyone also seems to have an opinion. I'm sure glad when I got pregnant with my first child that I didn't have a reality show on MTV because let me tell you that shit would have been a doozy. Why is it that we are so much harder on and expect so much more from celebrities than we do from ourselves?? I get that a portion of this gals life is on national television but does that suddenly give everyone, even myself, a right to have an opinion or especially judgement of another persons personal life to the extent of whether or not she is ready to become a Mother?? For the critiques - I'm not sure if you've watched the show but it is filmed while these young people are on VACATION. Now imagine your wildest Summer vacation before you had children...now add in all expenses paid fun while being filmed by a television crew for millions to sit back and enjoy. If you sent me on an all expenses paid vacation without my kids in tow I would make a damn fool out of myself. I would be partying every damn night with a full cup always in my hand, shaking my damn thing until I hit the floor and then sleeping in every day until dinner time. Sorry for party rocking. Do you really think after filming a season of the Jersey Shore that little Snooki goes home and continues to rock the party every remaining day of the year?? Hell - even if she did as a young woman with no children she's allowed to live the dream in whatever way she damn well pleases. Before I had kids, before any of us had kids, did we not do what we wanted to do, when we wanted to do it?? When I got pregnant with my first child I was 22 years old, more interested in club clothes and jello shots than most anything else and had recently been canned from the job from living hell. I took my licks over deciding I was ready to become a Mother but you know what...my son is the best decision I ever made. Becoming a Mom changes something inside of a person. I quickly learned what things in life were the most important, a compassion and tenderness I never knew I had inside of me bloomed and extended towards others, patience outgrew impatience, hard work and the satisfaction in that work became a new journey for me. I learned depths of love I had never known existed, I overcame struggles with new-found pride and confidence, I discovered values and unearthed parts of myself that I was not even aware I had. Every day with my children is a journey and I know without them I would never be the person I am today. Doesn't everyone deserve that CHANCE?? Before you throw your stones and cast your judgments perhaps take all of this into consideration. You never know what kind of a Mother someone is going to be until they actually get the chance to be one themselves.

Monday Mommy Rant - Uptight Parenting 101

In my humble opinion being a parent these days is tough enough without the judgement of other overbearing and opinionated alpha mommies raining down upon you. You hear it everywhere from toys that are "inappropriate" for your young daughter to play with, to clothing trends that they say are "too young" to be sporting or treats that are "too sugary" for them to consume. It's about moderation...and what is great for one family may not work so well for another. My two cents - if you have gone through the hardship of birthing and raising your child then it's your call what you deem as ok or appropriate for your own child to eat/wear/play with/watch on tv/etc. Now keep in mind I did say in moderation. I'm not advocating letting your 5 year old eat nothing but Cheetos for 3 meals a day or sitting your 3 year old down in front of an R rated movie, so save me your negative commentary....but those things should clearly go without saying. What I am saying is we should perhaps relax a little, take a breathe and let our kids be kids while they have the chance.

You are probably an uptight Mom if you have found yourself saying one of the following things to the Mom of someone elses child -


1. "I would never allow my child to play with a Bratz doll. How absolutely scandalous. The message those things are sending our young children is appalling." Are. You. Serious? First off..it's a DOLL!! So they are sometimes outfitted in a mini skirt...big freaking deal. Do you cover your childs eyes every time you go to the mall?? Probably not. I can tell you this much - playing with a fashionably dressed doll, no matter how it is dressed, is not forging life changing opinions in your daughters eyes that she should suddenly give up her Gymboree and start shopping at Hookers'R'Us. Dolls and the clothes they come dressed up in are simply another TOY. Here's the thing - adults and children see the world very differently. Most 6 year olds do not understand what the word "sexualized" means nor do they view their playthings in that matter. Unless you can stop the stores from selling the things, stop the commercials from airing on television, stop your childs friends from playing with the "offensive" dolls themselves, your child is being exposed to the mini skirt wearing hussie doll either way. Whether your child plays with a Bratz doll or not once she hits her teen years the world of mtv, celebrity mags and the internet will be playing a role in her wardrobe choices whether you like it or not. Perhaps instead of focusing so much energy on taking away or discouraging playing with offensive dolls you could focus on encouraging healthy self confidence and pride in what makes your daughter uniquely beautiful.

2. "Skinny jeans for little girls?? Oh that's disgusting." This one never fails to make me laugh. For you judgmental haters of fashion let me ask you something?? What is the difference between a regular pair of little girls jeans and a pair of skinny jeans?? I'll tell you since you seem to be confused. Skinny jeans are tight around the calf and ankle. What is it about showing a little ankle that has these Moms all worked up?? Pardon me but I thought we were past the 1800's. Dress your kids however it makes you comfortable but leave me to dressing my own - thanks.

3. "Sugar is the worst thing you can feed your kids, just look at the studies!! My child is on a sugar-free, gluten-free, food-coloring free, dairy-free, fun-free diet." Well good for you. Whoopity-do!! Now this may come as a surprise but our family is a vegetarian household where we prepare all of our foods fresh, go organic whenever we can and have substituted all dairy milk for the almond and coconut variety. That's our choice to make. Never will you hear someone in our home push our beliefs onto someone elses family. How you feed your family is your business. While I love to share healthy eating tips and the odd educational article in no way am I trying to say you are doing your family wrong by feeding them whatever comes naturally for you. That being said - we love dessert. I'm the Mom that will let her kids have chocolate cake for breakfast on a special occasion and reward my kids for special behavior with a kinder egg or an ice cream cone. My kids get plenty of fresh air and exercise. Why not let them enjoy the sweet side of life??

4. "My child can't come over and play with your child because we do not allow our kids to watch television, play video games or use the computer." Whaaaaat?? That's just plain crazy talk. This is the year 2012!! 2012!! Our entire modern day society runs on technology. Just sit down for one minute and think of every aspect of our lives and our community that is centered around technology. What are you afraid of?? That your child will be entertained?? That they may learn something?? Listen here - 20 minutes of game play a day can exceptionally increase visual skills, sharpen your mind, improve eyesight, improve decision making skills and multitasking skills. It's true. Just google it. There are also countless games, websites and apps out there that are educational based. A child can learn about music, math, reading, art, history, science...you name it..all through gaming. Ever heard of parental controls?? Those things that allow you to control what your child can and cannot see on your home computer and television?? As a parent you are completely in control of what your child views at home. Concerned about a friends house?? Try speaking to the parent. Tv is not all bad. My kids have learned a great deal from watching television. Channels like Treehouse and Disney Junior keep shows light, educational and fun, captivating kids into learning or using their imagination without even realizing it. Try watching with your child if you're concerned about what they are taking in. And if tv is not really your thing and you can't be convinced...try not to judge those of us who like to tune in once in a while.

5. "You should really try homeschooling your child, it's the only way you really know what they are learning and it's a much more nurturing educational environment." "My child goes to a specialty school that has a really small teacher to student ratio, it costs $600 a month but really it's worth you taking up a second job for your child to have the experience." "I would never put my child in a public school, my goodness, the things that go on there nowadays I would have to be in the school every day pulling meetings with the principal." UGH!! UGH!! UGH!! Please keep your pretentious schooling opinions to yourself. Not all of us can afford to send our kids to a swanky private school. $600 is a LOT of money when you are a large family living off of one income. Homeschooling is wonderful but not an option for everybody. When it comes down to it we are all going to do the best we can for our children. Whether it's montessori, public, catholic, homeschooling, unschooling, private, french immersion, bible school, summer school.....blah, blah blah. You see how this can be overwhelming?? Your kids are not better than anyone elses kids because of the way you have chosen or can afford to school your children. Do you know what really matters?? The time we take to teach our children real values. Compassion. Empathy. Honesty. Commitment. Responsibility. Determination. Self worth. That pajama pants are not acceptable to wear in public. You know...the kinds of things that will help guide them through the rest of their lives.

Been the victim of an uptight Mommy?? No worries, just use the itmom no fail strategy for coping with people that suck. Dust your shoulders off, remember to be grateful that you get to design your own life and opinions, hold your head up high and have a glass of wine. Problem solved!!

Are you a Toxic Friend?? - A Monday Mommy Rant

Here's the thing..when you're a busy Mom and you take the time out of your gong show of a day I am a firm believer it should result in something that will leave you feeling GOOD...dare I even say uplifted. This is where gal pals come in. What's better than the ear of a good friend to refresh your spirits?? I love the individuality in my tight knit crew...each of my go-to gals brings something unique to the table. One thing we all share though is the ability to bring some happiness into eachothers lives. Be it a raucous giggle, some kind wisdom, a supportive ear to listen to the latest Mommy rant or just a voice on the other end of the phone on a lonely day...friends can really make a Moms day a little bit brighter. BUT they can also break it...and that is where this weeks rant comes into play.

ARE YOU A TOXIC FRIEND?? We've all had one or two of the not-so-nice kind of friendships in our lives. You know the kind...they leave you feeling guilty, hurt, not good enough, angry, competitive or all of the above. There gets to be a point in our lives when we realize we are not in grade school any more. Shocker right?? We are strong, grown up, individual, powerful women and Mothers. Why should any of us settle for less than the kind of positive and nurturing friendship that we would want for our own children. What kind of examples are we setting for our families by surrounding ourselves with drama, gossip and cat fights?? Sometimes it's necessary to weed the garden. As a friend of mine recently said, "you need to pull the weeds to allow the beautiful flowers to grow." Absolutely. Sometimes part of being a grown up is also taking a good, long look in the mirror. In my life time I've been guilty of playing the toxic friend role once or twice...something I'm not proud of...but self improvement is a beautiful thing. It's never to late to shake things up and make a positive change.


The Toxic Ten

1. The Time Keeper. This friend keeps score and let's you know it. If you don't return a phone call or a text message or an email or a tweet....expect to hear about it. How many Moms have the time in their day to drop everything and return a phone call at a moments notice - put your hands up. If you have your hand up I have some advice for you - stop kidding yourself. How many of you have completely flaked out and actually forgotten that friend left you a message to begin with?? Newsflash - this doesn't make you a bad friend. It makes you a MOM!! I barely have time to pee let alone keep on top of my voicemails and who has poked me on facebook. Real friends don't judge their friends or hold it against them when they have a busy week. No matter how much time has passed we always pick up where we left off. And when you are having an actual crisis your gal pals will be there for you...guaranteed. Let me also add - grilling your friend about where she was/what she was doing instead of taking your phone calls/answering your text messages makes you look like a crazy stalker. No one wants to be friends with that girl.

2. The Judgemental Chic. She always seems to have something to say about how you and everyone else are living their lives. She doesn't like your husband. She thinks your kids are badly behaved. She points out that your floors could really use a good cleaning. She feels the need to point out how many calories are in your snickers bar. She always seems to know someone who has something better/has done something better/ who knows better than you. She habitually rolls her eyes and has a way of making you feel about two inches tall. She is practically begging for a punch in the face. This friend should be the easiest to toss to the curb without a second thought. But she is sneaky...seeming sweet and sincere one moment while the next you feel like something she has brought in on the bottom of her shoe. No one deserves to be the victim of someone elses insecurity. This one is a bully - and bullies deserve to be left in the past along with everything else that sucked about high school.

3. The Time Capsule. Speaking of high school, we all have at least one of those friends that we simply keep along for the ride because we've known them a long time. If you're still super tight and are contributing something positive to each others lives than all the power to you both. But sometimes over time what was once a GREAT friend turns into one from one of the other categories. So if you have nothing in common anymore and conversing has turned into something more painful than a root canal then why do you continue to nurture the friendship?? Time is not a good reason to maintain a friendship that is falling apart at the seams. This one can be the most heartbreaking to let go..but when you think about it wouldn't it be nicer to remember this person as the fun childhood friend they were rather than the unfortunate influence of your life today??

4. The Gossip. It's true what they say, if someone gossips about everybody else they are definitely gossiping about you as well. Now one thing that needs to be made clear is there are two types of gossip. We all gossip. Now whether it's malicious or not is what sets the two types apart. Venting to a close girlfriend or speaking about situations that directly involve your own lives is normal and healthy. Speaking about someone elses private business to an uninvolved third party is gossip of the worst kind. If you have a gf that is known for poking fun at someone the moment they get up and leave the room you can bet when it's your turn to use the restroom that it'll be your name on her lips next. It's easier for a gossip to focus on the problems of others than to deal with those of their own. A false sense of empowerment is common for most notorious gossips. There is nothing that makes me run faster than someone who is constantly talking about everybody elses business.

5. The Mascot. This girl hates your other friends. She might not say it but it's apparent with her pouting and obvious disdain for the other girls in your life. She never seems to even try to make nice with your crew and turns down every invite that isn't a one on one. She becomes moody when you make plans without her and makes a point to mention with distaste whenever one of your friends tags you or writes on your wall on facebook. She makes being your friend feel like a competition. Be real with this one. If you try and try to include her and she continues to be a drag on your time and emotions then it's time to cut her loose.

6. The Competitor. Everything is a damn contest with this one. She likes to be the best of the best and in your friendship there is no exception. Ever have a conversation with someone where they are constantly "one-upping" you?? That is what EVERY conversation is like with this friend. The Competitor is the perfect wife and the perfect Mother which would be perfectly fine if she didn't feel the need to constantly rub it in everyone's face, especially yours. Yes you realize you could have stayed up until midnight baking cupcakes from scratch for the class Valentines party but you chose to buy a package of cookies from Walmart and put your feet up to watch Pretty Little Liars before heading to bed early. A good friend would give you a high five not snicker and roll her eyes at your efforts..or perhaps lack there of.

7. The Single White Female. This friend is a stage 9 clinger. She constantly calls. She constantly texts. She seems to be having a serious identity crisis. Since you've met she has changed her hairstyle to emulate yours, gone out and purchased the exact same handbag you splurged on last month, taken up your favorite hobby with vigor and has started adding and chatting up all of your friends on facebook without any sort of prior introductions. At first it was kind of cute...now it's downright creepy. Everyone likes to be admired but you're starting to feel like you're losing yourself...and your mind. A good tip - don't let it get this far!! Let her know you love your friends because they are individuals. If all else fails they invented call block for a reason.

8. The Downer. Every time you're up - she drags you back down. It seems like this friend always has something negative to say. She isn't happy with her own life and isn't ready to make the changes she needs to be happy. Every time you chat she complains about her life and it's obvious she sees the glass as half empty. When you have good news, she finds a way to make it about herself. When you have a great idea, she has a warning of a worst case scenario outcome. You try and try but her gloomy outlook on life can sure feel contagious. There's only so much you can do before you need to realize some people are just happy to be unhappy. Adios naysayers!!

9. The Star of the Show. "Me. Me. Me. Me. Me." If there is another subject on the face of the Earth you have yet to hear it. She loves to hear herself talk that's for sure. You only hear from her when she is having a crisis and she could clearly not care less what is going on in your life. Every time you get together it's all about her...and it's getting old. If you've tried and tried and still find yourself wanting to make face time with a cheese grater when your together then it's time to give her the heave-ho!!

10. The Trouble Maker. She always seems to be in the middle of some kind of drama. It's always someone elses fault of course but time after time she seems to find herself in the middle of a cat fight, someone elses relationship troubles, problems at work, issues with her children and other peoples children...and the list goes on. Where she is...trouble follows. There is so much drama in this gals life that you're surprised she doesn't have her own reality show. When you're out together you can't help but notice the looks that slide your way. Have you ever noticed that some people thrive in dramatic situations?? My 3 year old is having a phase where she will misbehave in order to gain our attention. We reiterate to her daily that negative attention is not the kind of attention she is looking for...and slowly but surely she is starting to get it. A Trouble Maker still hasn't figured this out. She is proud of being "a bitch" and has no qualms about "telling it like it is." Last time I checked being a brat isn't attractive and that is why my 3 year old ends up in a time out when she portrays such behavior. Hang with a trouble maker and you may find yourself tagged with the label simply by association.


As I said to a good friend recently, life is short. It's far too beautiful to muck it up with unpleasant experiences and spending precious time, emotions and care on those that wouldn't share the same with you. Remember..be the kind of friend you are looking for. It's never too late to make the kind of life and friendships you dream of for yourself. When it comes to friendship, it's about quality not quantity. I would much rather 4 quarters than 100 pennies any day.

Snip Snip - A Monday Mommy Rant

So I'm going back on what I said in a previous rant by even discussing this out in the open but ladies I have a few things to say to the fellas!! By some peoples standards we have an obscene number of children - 3, try not to choke on your hateraid. In my opinion that's pretty average but everywhere we go little old ladies tend to scold me on my decision to allow myself to wander around with what must appear to them as an entourage. We all have our own opinions on how many children is enough for ones own family and for ours the magic number is 3. Now even though I have said the last damn thing I like to do is discuss birth control options with strangers I'm going outside of my comfort zone and doing just that for this weeks rant.

V is for....Victory?? Victory...vasectomy...same thing. Potato...patato. I was lucky enough to be blessed with a husband who didn't need redunkulous amounts of convincing and begging and pleading to book the big snip snip. Sure, he's a man so he isn't exactly over the moon about the idea of having anyone cut into his goodies..no matter how qualified..but lets face it - for us the benefits far out way the fear factor. So if my man can suck it up for the sake of a worry free sex life then what in the heck are all these other dudes complaining about?? This brings me to my first point. Growing up I was surrounded by men that referred to the procedure as "being neutered." Of "having the venom drained out of the cobra." Of "having ones manhood taken away." And it seems nowadays days these pansies are everywhere. Look if I can push 3 watermelons out of my yahoo I'm pretty sure you can handle a half an hour of discomfort while under anesthetic. Take one for the team. 48 hours of recoup time while popping pain killers and wearing tight underpants vastly pales in comparison to what your wives will have to experience if you end up hitting another bulls-eye. If you are 100% certain your baby making days are over then as my husband would say - "don't be such a pussy".

Ladies once your man has made the decision to shut down the supersperm highway I have a piece of advice for you. Keep him the hell away from friends and family who can't wait to share their horror story of how so-and-so had a botched vasectomy. EVERYONE knows someone who has had a bad experience with a vasectomy. That's because this procedure is not exactly groundbreaking territory. They've been doing this shit for a LONG time. Back in the day when scalpels were the primary tool involved you heard of a lot more instances of post-surgery infections and lengthy healing times. Sure nowadays the odd person has an unpleasant reaction but that goes for pretty much ANY kind of medical procedure. The last thing you want to do is scare the living daylights out of your husband with a surgery date looming ahead. Men are babies. Think how they respond when attempting to cope with a common cold. Keep the scareorists away from your man and his boys down below. Instead tell him the story of a friend of mines husband who ran a marathon the day after having his procedure. A jockstrap is a wonderful thing.

Lastly if a vasectomy is for you it's your decision as a couple. Same goes for if the whole idea doesn't float your boat. Opinions of mother-in-laws, friends who still act like frat boys and nosy co-workers do NOT count. I have friends who have had beyond horrible things said to them by unsupportive outsiders while making this very personal and major life changing decision. This is why they make pepper spray. Just saying.

Never Trust Someone Holding Scissors - A Monday Mommy Rant

Before I had kids I used to take better care of myself. What Mom hasn't said that?? Well it's true. I used to go to the salon weekly. Nails done, hair done, everything did. I got my tan on, chatted with my cute, gay Jamaican stylist about Britney's latest hairstyle choice, basked in the fumes from hairspray and acrylic nail filler and just took it all in for hours. But really - I had nothing better to do with my time. I was 21 years old. To tell you the truth I would never want to go back in time and live those days again. But I will take the pre-baby body - thank you very much. Besides being as busy as every other Mom of three, the other reason I barely hit the salon these days is because of the big re-location I made upon conception of my first child. I moved about an hour and a half east away from the city and my favorite salon to a small town where I knew no one and even worse had no refuge to kick back and get my glam on. Enter hair hell. Even worse - hair purgatory. After a small handful of rather terrifying experiences in a salon chair I gave up and decided it was meant that I wear my hair as an homage to the Amish. 5 years + no hair cut = a style that was more Little House on the Prairie than hot mom that's still got it. And damnit - I've still got it!! With new found bravery I sucked it up and booked an appointment at yet another local, untried salon.

THIS is what I asked for. Pretty long side-swept bangs via Ashley Tisdale. I even brought this picture with me. I ADORE her hair. Don't judge me - I am NOT ready for a Mom cut quite yet.


THIS is what I ended up with.


If you do a google image search for "WTF" you will find this rather terrifying image amongst the search results. That's because that is the well deserving title I gave it.

Needless to say I will be keeping bobby pins handy at all times over the next few weeks while this monstrosity grows out. You'll be glad to know though that despite this ridiculous hair cut I do plan to continue to search for "the one" somewhere in this small town. Do you have a recommendation for a rockin hair stylist in the Northumberland area?? If so lemme know. Until then I will continue to be wary of anyone holding scissors.

3 Conversations you should NEVER have with a Mom of Multiple Kids (A Monday Mommy Rant)

Ahhh...it's that time of week for a Mommy vent. This week I've been thinking (this could be dangerous) of those annoying conversations most of us have had with those that have either a serious lack of social skills or are just completely clueless as to what life is like when you have more than one child underfoot. I've been caught off guard more than once by irritating little jabs by both the general public and those that should really know better so it's about time I put it all out there - for the sake of Mom-kind. So without further ado here is my top list of 3 types of conversations you should NEVER have with a Mom of multiples.

1. "Are all of these yours??" "You have so MANY children." "I bet you have your hands full." "I hope you're using birth control." "You're not planning on have any more are you??" - These are the WORST kinds of conversations to have. Who is one to say how many children is TOO many for one particular family. For goodness sakes I personally have 3 kids and if I wanted more why should I publicly be made to feel awkward or ashamed for that?? Just for the record we ARE done at 3 - but please when I tell you that try not to sound so relieved!! It's not like we're trying to keep up with the Duggar's. And do you REALLY want to know EXACTLY how we're protecting ourselves from landing our family our own primetime show on TLC?? I don't exactly feel comfortable discussing my sex life with strangers, or family for that matter, so keep the birth control talk to yourself. And yes...I have my hands full. Thanks for stating the obvious while I am on 3 hours of sleep. If I wasn't so exhausted I would kick you in the groin.

2. "You look so tired." "Why aren't you sleeping when the baby sleeps?""Look at your boobs!!" "Can I see your stretch marks?" "Gaaawd..I am SO fat!"- Somehow first time Moms ALWAYS look wonderful. Always. I look back on photos of when I thought I looked terrible with my first child and my skin was glowing, my eyes were bright...I looked downright enthusiastic. Now on my third I am perpetually exhausted and running on what I can only describe as zombie-Mom mode 90% of the time. I'm there, I'm giving it my all but forming proper sentences is not coming as easily as it used to and...wait...is there baby vomit in my greasy ponytail?? When you ask a Mom with a newborn and other small children at home why she isn't sleeping when the baby sleeps you are giving her the assumption you are a little developmentally challenged. Please don't tell me I look tired. You may as well tell me I look like crap - which I am probably already aware of. No you cannot see my disgusting stretch marks. I know I look like a demented porn star with these new baby boobs. And if you tell me you look fat when you're skinny and I'm standing here all post-partum and jiggely one more time I may just go ballistic. I have back fat. I win.

3. Sometimes people just want to help. Most Moms I know have had MORE than their fair share of unwanted advice from strangers, friends and family on the best way to do pretty much EVERYTHING under the sun for their new babes. Let me tell you something - the more children you have, the quicker this gets old. There does get to be a point where you are so damn confident and comfortable in your mad Mommy skills that you're honestly surprised you haven't been signed for a book deal. Telling a Mom of 3, 4 or more that she isn't handling her childs sleep routine quite the right way or that she should really hold the bottle "this way" or that the best way to discipline a child is actually "like this" is really bloody annoying and a tad ridiculous. Trust me..most of us are already set in our ways by now and if we wanted help or advice we would probably ask for it or seek it out ourselves. Tread lightly. Pissing off a new Mom who is already hormonal and sleep deprived is not advisable. Some of us are not as passive aggressive as this Mom admits to being at times and will give you a deserved earful if you cross the line.

How (Not) To Induce Labor (A Monday Mommy Rant)

A week after giving birth to a beautiful and perfect little lady I can barely believe that not so long ago I was hugely pregnant and just as hugely uncomfortable. This last pregnancy admittedly completely kicked my behind. 9 months pregnant, swollen, sore, moody and waddling after 2 small and needy children was just about enough to land me in a rubber room wearing white after labor day. So like most women that have been there, done that, I, in all of my hormonal desperation, hit google looking for a magic fix. Be warned...what you are about to read is not pretty, and probably not advisable. First off let me say that you should never try and induce labor before the 38 week mark. It's not safe for your baby, so suck it up, dream of a martini and go find something delicious to eat while you can still use your pregnancy as an excuse to eat like garbage. There is a reason I titled this post "How (NOT) to induce labor". Simply said - this shit doesn't work. But hey, anything is worth a shot when your husbands go-to line when he's looking for some action is now "Hey, can I harpoon that later??" And without further ado here are my favorite tried, tested and true methods of how NOT to induce labor.

1. Eat pineapple. That's kind of vague isn't it? I decided an entire pineapple would probably do the job. Unless all you want to do induce is vomiting and you enjoy the sensation of having the first layer of your taste buds acidically removed I wouldn't suggest going this route.

2. Bounce on an exercise ball. I did this..for hours..while my husband could barely suppress his amusement. There is something about a women in that stage of pregnancy bouncing repeatedly on a giant rubber ball that resembles something you would expect to see in a side show.

3. Drink balsamic vinegar. Vinegar is one of those things where less is truly more. Just take my word for it.

4. Acupressure. How the $#%& is rubbing the webbing between my fingers supposed to bring on contractions?? A complete waste of a perfectly good potential nap. Some people swear by this - I call bologna.

5. Walk up and down the stairs. Gallop like a horse. Do squats. Sit on your hands and knees like a dog and rock back and forth. Things got a little strange around my house that evening.

6. Eat spicy foods. Eat greasy foods. Eat licorice. All you're going to accomplish here is a food baby.


What May Help -

The one thing I HATED hearing more than anything else was - "Have sex with your husband!!" My first instinct was always to retort - "Why don't YOU do it?!" The last thing any woman at that stage of pregnancy wants to do is get it in. Buuut - there's a reason they say it works. Semen contains prostaglandins, hormones that are known to ripen and soften the cervix for labor. And if by some miracle you can have an orgasm at that stage in your pregnancy contractions can be induced from the hormone oxytocin that your body naturally releases. It's worth a shot.

Aaand then there's the raspberry leaf tea. Contrary to what some say this tea is actually known more for strengthening your cervix than bringing you into active labor. Considering how quickly and smoothly my labor moved along I can't help but think perhaps the pots and pots of tea I consumed the last couple of weeks helped in the process. Or maybe it was just luck.