Ahhh...it's that time of week for a Mommy vent. This week I've been thinking (this could be dangerous) of those annoying conversations most of us have had with those that have either a serious lack of social skills or are just completely clueless as to what life is like when you have more than one child underfoot. I've been caught off guard more than once by irritating little jabs by both the general public and those that should really know better so it's about time I put it all out there - for the sake of Mom-kind. So without further ado here is my top list of 3 types of conversations you should NEVER have with a Mom of multiples.
1. "Are all of these yours??" "You have so MANY children." "I bet you have your hands full." "I hope you're using birth control." "You're not planning on have any more are you??" - These are the WORST kinds of conversations to have. Who is one to say how many children is TOO many for one particular family. For goodness sakes I personally have 3 kids and if I wanted more why should I publicly be made to feel awkward or ashamed for that?? Just for the record we ARE done at 3 - but please when I tell you that try not to sound so relieved!! It's not like we're trying to keep up with the Duggar's. And do you REALLY want to know EXACTLY how we're protecting ourselves from landing our family our own primetime show on TLC?? I don't exactly feel comfortable discussing my sex life with strangers, or family for that matter, so keep the birth control talk to yourself. And yes...I have my hands full. Thanks for stating the obvious while I am on 3 hours of sleep. If I wasn't so exhausted I would kick you in the groin.
2. "You look so tired." "Why aren't you sleeping when the baby sleeps?""Look at your boobs!!" "Can I see your stretch marks?" "Gaaawd..I am SO fat!"- Somehow first time Moms ALWAYS look wonderful. Always. I look back on photos of when I thought I looked terrible with my first child and my skin was glowing, my eyes were bright...I looked downright enthusiastic. Now on my third I am perpetually exhausted and running on what I can only describe as zombie-Mom mode 90% of the time. I'm there, I'm giving it my all but forming proper sentences is not coming as easily as it used to and...wait...is there baby vomit in my greasy ponytail?? When you ask a Mom with a newborn and other small children at home why she isn't sleeping when the baby sleeps you are giving her the assumption you are a little developmentally challenged. Please don't tell me I look tired. You may as well tell me I look like crap - which I am probably already aware of. No you cannot see my disgusting stretch marks. I know I look like a demented porn star with these new baby boobs. And if you tell me you look fat when you're skinny and I'm standing here all post-partum and jiggely one more time I may just go ballistic. I have back fat. I win.
3. Sometimes people just want to help. Most Moms I know have had MORE than their fair share of unwanted advice from strangers, friends and family on the best way to do pretty much EVERYTHING under the sun for their new babes. Let me tell you something - the more children you have, the quicker this gets old. There does get to be a point where you are so damn confident and comfortable in your mad Mommy skills that you're honestly surprised you haven't been signed for a book deal. Telling a Mom of 3, 4 or more that she isn't handling her childs sleep routine quite the right way or that she should really hold the bottle "this way" or that the best way to discipline a child is actually "like this" is really bloody annoying and a tad ridiculous. Trust me..most of us are already set in our ways by now and if we wanted help or advice we would probably ask for it or seek it out ourselves. Tread lightly. Pissing off a new Mom who is already hormonal and sleep deprived is not advisable. Some of us are not as passive aggressive as this Mom admits to being at times and will give you a deserved earful if you cross the line.