Monday, December 5, 2011

How (Not) To Induce Labor (A Monday Mommy Rant)

A week after giving birth to a beautiful and perfect little lady I can barely believe that not so long ago I was hugely pregnant and just as hugely uncomfortable. This last pregnancy admittedly completely kicked my behind. 9 months pregnant, swollen, sore, moody and waddling after 2 small and needy children was just about enough to land me in a rubber room wearing white after labor day. So like most women that have been there, done that, I, in all of my hormonal desperation, hit google looking for a magic fix. Be warned...what you are about to read is not pretty, and probably not advisable. First off let me say that you should never try and induce labor before the 38 week mark. It's not safe for your baby, so suck it up, dream of a martini and go find something delicious to eat while you can still use your pregnancy as an excuse to eat like garbage. There is a reason I titled this post "How (NOT) to induce labor". Simply said - this shit doesn't work. But hey, anything is worth a shot when your husbands go-to line when he's looking for some action is now "Hey, can I harpoon that later??" And without further ado here are my favorite tried, tested and true methods of how NOT to induce labor.

1. Eat pineapple. That's kind of vague isn't it? I decided an entire pineapple would probably do the job. Unless all you want to do induce is vomiting and you enjoy the sensation of having the first layer of your taste buds acidically removed I wouldn't suggest going this route.

2. Bounce on an exercise ball. I did this..for hours..while my husband could barely suppress his amusement. There is something about a women in that stage of pregnancy bouncing repeatedly on a giant rubber ball that resembles something you would expect to see in a side show.

3. Drink balsamic vinegar. Vinegar is one of those things where less is truly more. Just take my word for it.

4. Acupressure. How the $#%& is rubbing the webbing between my fingers supposed to bring on contractions?? A complete waste of a perfectly good potential nap. Some people swear by this - I call bologna.

5. Walk up and down the stairs. Gallop like a horse. Do squats. Sit on your hands and knees like a dog and rock back and forth. Things got a little strange around my house that evening.

6. Eat spicy foods. Eat greasy foods. Eat licorice. All you're going to accomplish here is a food baby.

What May Help -

The one thing I HATED hearing more than anything else was - "Have sex with your husband!!" My first instinct was always to retort - "Why don't YOU do it?!" The last thing any woman at that stage of pregnancy wants to do is get it in. Buuut - there's a reason they say it works. Semen contains prostaglandins, hormones that are known to ripen and soften the cervix for labor. And if by some miracle you can have an orgasm at that stage in your pregnancy contractions can be induced from the hormone oxytocin that your body naturally releases. It's worth a shot.

Aaand then there's the raspberry leaf tea. Contrary to what some say this tea is actually known more for strengthening your cervix than bringing you into active labor. Considering how quickly and smoothly my labor moved along I can't help but think perhaps the pots and pots of tea I consumed the last couple of weeks helped in the process. Or maybe it was just luck.

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